Lost

I didn't intend to write this post, but I feel if I don't I won't sleep well like I haven't done for the past days because it's been itching in my mind and I would talk to friends or family about it, but they've heard it before it's not something that happened recently about four years ago now. As Easter approaches. This isn't a post for attention, it's a post to get things off my chest, without being too specific.

From year four to year eleven I had this best friend who I trusted with my life, I had other friends too who were close like Matt, Jess, Tommy all three good friends in primary school and middle, now and many more along the way in secondary school. This friend was someone I had a lot of good memories with and could talk about anything, felt like it was going to be a friend for life no reason to believe other wise.

In year 10 and part of 11 I think? he dated a girl who was within the friend group at the time and they dated for a year or so and it was one of those relationships where he didn't like her talking to any other girls, but the guy friends like me didn't really see it to be honest just knew he was a bit clingy...well a lot. The relationship ended and it caused a lot of friction as he was accused of being forceful and at the time I didn't believe it, how could I, he was my best friend, I just thought ah she probably just wants to gain attention or something naive like that. Time went on and he then went on to date a family member of mine, which I wasn't okay with it caused me and this family member not to talk for a while and me and him not to talk for a good while, I eventually came around and started talking to him again we were fine, it was a bit weird but I adjusted.

They broke up, my mum said she didn't want my friend coming around any more I thought fair enough, so I made sure of it, a week later we camped under a over pass bridge, the ones that crossed over the top of the dual carriageways and there was a bushy area you could hear the cars as I barely slept on one of those crap mats that go under the sleeping bag acting as a mattress, more just a pain in the ass really. We left early hours of the morning, this friend helped me with my tent and that was the last time I saw him before I knew. A week before my mum and this family member plus some others wanted to talk in the kitchen about this friend and they refused to let me in the kitchen and I was annoyed, I wanted to know.

So after the camping trip I was sitting down on my Xbox, and my Mum came in the room sat down and told me my best friend forced himself on this family member, she asked if I was okay, I just wanted to be left alone. So much anger and rage felt that point, every good memory with this friend diminished into nothing, dust. At this point as the title indicates I felt lost... I mean who could I have talked to at this point I felt no one really because this guy was my best friend I talked to him about everything he helped me become confident and not be so hard on myself how could I trust this advice. The only thing I wanted to do was cause damage to him, it was the point of anger that I felt if I put my fist in his face it would go through his skull and out the other side, the unhealthy type of anger.

Eventually the police got involved, but that did nothing  the second time he was accused but no charge, walks free and still goes around now. I saw him around town a couple of times since then and I wanted to do something but I knew, I'd wreck my future I'd get charged with some kind of assault charge while he walked away after two accounts of rape, how fucked up is society?

It took a while I started to put my trust in people again, it was a hard thing to do but people were always there since it happened it just was hard for me to trust people, because the person I trusted most hurt me in more ways than imaginable - it changed me, it made me realise that you have to be careful who you trust no matter what. It's even effected relationships with people, I just became scared of becoming hurt. I wanted to talk to him again ask him why but he was a liar, a pathological one when we were friends he would deny obvious things even if everyone else knew it wasn't true, so why would he admit such a thing, I honestly think something was wrong with this person as if he didn't know what he did, there was always something about him that gave off that vibe.

Now I have the best friends I could ask for and new ones at University, my best friends at home mean everything to me, it's like another weird family put together and I hope we always are friends, they helped me get through dark times and I hope I have gave them the same back . So to all close friends who do read this, thank you truly without you I am nothing. They made me realise that some hard situations you can never forget and may still hurt at times but you learn to deal with them better along the way as time passes.

Liam -